


The (D)A-Team

by Eravalefantasy



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dragon Age Characters placed inside an A Team Episode, F/M, Out of Character, Style parody, non Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 19:33:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6252664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eravalefantasy/pseuds/Eravalefantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a style parody based on a Cullenites writing challenge prompt to take a TV show or Sitcom from the 80's/90's and use the Dragon Age Characters.</p><p>In 9:40 Dragon a crack unit of warriors was nearly sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit. All of them promptly escaped from a maximum security holding cell with the help of one of their own, A Templar posing as the Knight Captain in Kirkwall. Today, still wanted by the Chantry, the Templars and most of Thedas, they survive as soldiers of fortune.  If you have a problem, no one else can help and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the DA Team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure farce, completely non-canon and will have out of character portrayal to fit the formula of an A-Team episode.

_In 9:40 Dragon a crack unit of warriors was nearly sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit. All of them promptly escaped from a maximum security holding cell with the help of one of their own, A Templar posing as the Knight Captain in Kirkwall. Today, still wanted by the Chantry, the Templars and most of Thedas, they survive as soldiers of fortune.  If you have a problem, no one else can help and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the DA Team._

“Whose brilliant idea was it to hide in Kirkwall?” Varric grumbled as he pushed his way through the market towards The Hanged Man, a place long on local color and short on drinks that weren’t watered down. Isabela waited outside shaking her head. She leaned on the wall, shifting her weight from foot to foot. “Wait for me at The Hanged Man, he says. Need your help with a job, he says. All you ever want from me is weapons and transportation Varric, I have needs too, you know.”

“Rivaini, I have no doubt that you and your needs get all the attention they need without my help.” Varric quipped. “Are we ready to go? How’s the cargo?”

Isabela huffed. “See, this is what I am talking about a man is good for one thing, but a woman is good for six, that’s five whole opportunities you are missing out on here sweetness.”

Varric rolled his eyes. “Very nice, Rivaini, you can count that high too? What more could a man ask for these days.” He looked around the market. “Are we ready and how is the cargo?”

She sighed. “Yes, the boat is ready, we have everything we need. As for the cargo, he’s gone all blue and glowing again screaming about mages inside. He’s mad I tell you, we will get caught. You better have a plan this time, mister.”

Varric smiled. “I always have a plan.”  He pushed the door to the tavern open and stepped inside.

Isabela shook her head and muttered to herself. “How about a plan that actually works?”

_ Skyhold _

Cullen could only cover up so much and pretending that Varric was merely an acquaintance was the easiest part. He’d charmed the Seeker, but was sure that Sister Nightingale knew exactly who he was. For now, his skills as a former Templar would help him hide in the Inquisition, but Varric’s plan to hide the rest of them in Skyhold? Madness. Varric was always asking Cullen to put his best face forward as the front man for their endeavors. Cullen would have to hide them in the ranks and Anders would need to keep Justice under control, a task easier said than done.  Justice was a spirit sharing Anders and while Anders had his own issues with mage rights; Justice was the reason their group was in hiding since the scuffle in Kirkwall.

Cullen crossed his arms and chuckled. Calling that chaos in Kirkwall a scuffle was like comparing the current situation to a minor inconvenience. _The sky is ripped open and I’m trying to hide a mage and the damned Champion of Kirkwall inside this ragtag group with delusions of saving the world. Varric better have a plan - for all our sakes._ Cullen grabbed the back of his neck and rubbed, a nervous tell he worked hard to hide.

“Commander, Ser!” One of Sister Leliana’s people approached and handed him a note:

 _Your secret is safe._  
I have a job for you and your friends.  
Meet me at the top of the tower after sundown.

Cullen crumpled the note and grumbled. _Maker’s Breath, what in the Void is keeping them?_

_ The Hanged Man- Kirkwall  _

“I’ve got a bad attitude?” Hawke threw another chair at the Templar. “I’ll show you a bad attitude.” She picked up a mug, chugged the ale and chucked the empty mug at the approaching Templar hitting him between the eyes and he stumbled backwards until he slipped and fell and did not move again.

Anders sat atop a table hugging his knees and laughing. “I bet that hurt.”

Varric needed to get Anders and Hawke away from the bar and to the docks. Isabela shoved her chest into the face of another Templar and seemed to keep the poor boy occupied with her breasts for now. That left the two Hawke was fighting while Anders giggled, meaning Anders was drunk.  “Rivaini, if you can pull the magic bosoms away from the nice Templar and take Blondie with you, we can get out of here!”  Varric turned back to Anders. “Come on Blondie, time to go.”

Anders shook his head and laughed again. “No. Shh! Don’t tell you-know-who about the ship.”

Hawke stopped and turned around. “What ship? No, no ships. I don’t do water, you know that. We go north!”  The second Templar approached her in time to meet her fist in his face. Nose bleeding, he held his face and left the bar.   “Hey, Recruit,” Hawke yelled, “you’re outnumbered my friend- go home.”  The Templar recruit pulled his gaze from Isabela and looked around. He realized he was alone and stumbled over the broken chairs to exit the bar. Hawke looked around the empty bar. “Who’s next?”

Varric rolled his eyes. “There are still a few unbroken chairs, Hawke, I’m sure they tremble at the thought of your approach.” Varric stared at Isabela.

“You know, sweet thing, eventually she will pay me back for all these little taps.” Isabela whispered at Varric before moving to Hawke’s side. “No ships, kitten, promise.” Isabela pulled her dagger, flipped it in her hand and clubbed the back of her head. Hawke flopped forward onto the table. “Last time, Varric. I’m not doing that again.”

Anders was crawling under the table. “Blondie, what are you looking for now?”

Anders sat down in the rubble and sighed. “The kitten, we can take the kitten with us on the ship.”

Isabela hoisted Hawke over her shoulder. “Right, the kitten. Don’t worry, we are sweet thing. Let’s go.”

The journey would take three days by ship and fair number of days by horse. If Cullen made the arrangements, which he always did, they might cut a few days here and there. Once Anders sobered, he made sure Hawke slept throughout the voyage on the Waking Sea, keeping the potions flowing so she would sleep.

“The lump on her head is almost healed. I wish you would ask me to knock her out with magic instead of resorting to violence.” Anders said, with Justice under control he was calm and sweet.

“Blondie, you had one job. One job. Don’t drink. You blew it.” Varric continued. ”We’re risking our necks to break you out again. Kirkwall, Ostwick, Tantervale when will you stop getting caught?” Varric pointed to a bench. “I need you to keep him under control.”

Anders sighed. “Him.”

Varric nodded. “Cullen has it setup for us, but you have to keep him under control. You know how we work. Cullen sets up everything, where we stay, what we need and he gets us there with Isabela. Hawke, besides being a human battering ram, can fix anything, a lock, a door,  a carriage she’s the best. You, my friend, are the best mage that ever was or will be and that leaves me.”

Anders smiled. “The man with the plan.”

Varric stood and slapped Anders on the back as he climbed back up on the deck. “It may take Andraste herself to see that this plan comes together.”

_ Skyhold _

“H-h-herald? Why are you here so late at night?” Cullen knew he was in trouble, if she knew his secret, so did Cassandra.

“Please, call me Mel or Melyonen, Cullen.” She thrust out a letter to him. “It was from my brother, my parents . . . sent me his journal. It’s addressed to you, although I don’t know how he knew you. Kenver Trevelyan, do you remember him?”

Cullen thought about his time in Kirkwall and Ferelden. “Mely. Smelly melly.” Cullen realized his slip. “Forgive me. I remember Kenver, he had a sister, Mely.”

She smiled. “Smelly melly, that was me – brothers you know.”

Cullen laughed. “I know, my brother could . . .” He stopped and rubbed his neck. “It’s not important, thank you for the letter, should I read it now and return it to you?”

Mel looked around and saw they were alone. “No, it’s yours, but I am curious, would you share his words with me?”

Cullen had to be cautious, he couldn’t betray the others. “Forgive me for asking, Herald- Mel, but why not seek to talk with me at a more reasonable time?”

Melyonen looked down. Cullen realized how shy she was – it was disarming and he smiled at her. “Leliana said she would arrange a time, when I might be more . . . confident to talk with you. But I’ve taken up so much of your time already, another time then?”

 _Mission. Anders. Hawke. Mission. Anders.  Hawke._ “I would like that.”  He mumbled.

She hid her smile and said good night. Cullen wasn’t sure how long he stood there in the night air staring off as she left. _Maker’s Breath, I’m in trouble._

_ Three Weeks Later _

“Well, shit.” Varric slumped into a chair tossing the letter aside. “Kenver was at the Conclave and he knew something was wrong with the Wardens before the explosion. He must have sent the letter when he first arrived there with his sister.” Varric leaned back in his chair. “We can’t ignore this. Hawke and Anders can go to Jader and lie low there. We’ll stay here and help the Inquisitor.”

“Mel. Her name is Melyonen.” Cullen’s wistful tone pulled Varric upright.

“No Curly,  no more of that. The last time you got attached to a woman you almost got in a fight with King Alistair over his  . . .whatever she is.”

“Wife, I guess, she’s not queen; but that doesn’t matter.“  Cullen crossed his arms. “I knew her first, and it wasn’t what he thought. Besides, Kenver was in the Order and he asked me to look out for Mel, I’m doing the right thing. Kenver was a good man, Varric, we can’t let this go.” 

Varric shook his head. “Get Hawke and Anders to Jader, can you do that without tripping over the Inquisitor? Then we’ll see what we can do. You know what Cullen? Keep up this shit and I’m changing your nickname to Faceman. Every damn time you see a pretty face you forget what in the Void you are supposed to be doing.”

“Varric, Hawke needs to talk to Mel- the Inquisitor. Corypheus isn’t dead. Hawke can help. I know she can be a little harsh, but this is our fault.” Cullen said.

“Our fault? We killed him Curly, I was there – you were off in Kirkwall. I watched him fall if he’s back I have no idea what we should do.”

Cullen crossed his arms again and glared.

“Fine, Hawke and Anders can stay; find a nice padded, lockable room for Blondie and the Blue boy. It’s on your head, Cullen . . . better yet find work to keep them occupied. Can you do that?” Varric quipped.

“Yes Varric, I have all kinds of work for you and the others. Do you want to bring Bethany or Bodhan here as well? Bethany’s Warden contacts could prove useful. Bodhan could help with supply lines?”

Varric thought for a minute. “No, no outside help on this, just us. Send Bethany a letter with what we know, but be careful – she’s with Captain Aveline. We don’t need _her_ sniffing around.”

Aveline was the captain of Kirkwall city guards. She’d been their ally, but since the incident in Kirkwall it was hard to tell on which side her loyalties fell.

Cullen stared at the dwarf who’d taken control several years ago after Hawke found she enjoyed drink and fights more than anything else. “Tell me something Varric, why don’t you let me make the plans for a while?”

The dwarf laughed. “Curly, your nose is so far up the Inquisitor’s skirt, I wouldn’t trust you to plan for tea.” He said. “Nice outfit, by the way.” 

Cullen held his tongue and returned to his office. He needed missions that would keep Anders and Hawke busy and yet hide both of them in the ranks of the soldiers. Cullen read through all the requests sitting on his desk until the idea hit him. _Sera_. She’d asked for a simple march in a town named Verchiel. Even Anders could manage that without too much cause for concern as long as Hawke understood she wasn’t there to bash any skulls, it should work.

Hawke wasn’t always as she was now. Sebastian destroyed her when he turned traitor to his friends.  She refused to kill Anders and Sebastian, Prince Vael now, took exception. He was the one who turned them in. Cullen’s standing in the Order had negated the accusations against him, but the damage to the Champion’s reputation was irrevocable.

Cullen found the request sent from Starkhaven and vowed to bury it until the Maker himself ordered him to assign the mission.

The real problem was not Anders, it was Justice. Anders was a gifted mage and Cullen counted on Anders’ skill with the group. Cullen’s knowledge of field medicine was limited as with all Templars but he remembered each time Anders had tired himself to exhaustion to help. Justice sought to keep control through keeping Anders drunk. Cullen was sure this was what happened in Kirkwall.

If keeping track of a spirit and his drunken mage host under control and trying to ensure that Hawke didn’t become a one-woman wrecking crew wasn’t enough, he had the Inquisitor to juggle. The real problem here is thinking of her was invading his usual attention to detail.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

“A simple march!” Cullen paced in his office. “March through the damned town! Not scare the nobles into abandoning it!” Cullen rubbed his neck. “I’ll . . .figure it out. _Both_ of you stay out of the way.” He pointed to Hawke and Anders.

Varric shook his head from his position against the door. “Curly, these things happen. The plan worked, the nobles will stop and think before pulling any more shit.  Have a seat, you’re making me nervous, will ya?”

Cullen pointed at Varric. “This is on you. Your ‘plan’ was to let Hawke break down a few doors and let Anders do a light show? The report reads you frightened many of the nobles inside and now they are meeting in secret!”

Varric smiled. “I love it when a plan comes together.”

Sera sat on a crate in the back corner of the office laughing, her laugh a mix of goats bleating and a child’s glee. “No! Don’t yell, they were brilliant and gave those high born twats something to think about!”

Cullen sighed. “Varric, this is what I am talking about, let me plan these missions. You are drawing too much attention.  Push people too far and I won’t be able to get you – any of you- out of trouble. That goes for you too, Sera.”

Varric crossed the room and patted Cullen’s cheek. “That’s why I keep you around Curly, fix those tight situations and look pretty.”

“Ooh, so Commander Curly, we need to collect the reward. I’m taking the Quizzy with me and Varric.” She waggled her eyebrows. “Wanna come along?”

“Out, all of you. I’ll set up the location but if anything happens to the Inquisitor, I can’t promise I’ll be there to help you.” Cullen returned to his desk.

“Relax, Curly.” Varric tapped his temple. “I’ve got everything right up here.”

Cullen watched as the group shuffled out of his office. “That is exactly why I am concerned.” He muttered.  

________________________________

Cullen used one of Leliana’s people to deliver the location information to the contact in Crestwood. He wanted to accompany Melyonen, but she insisted she didn’t need the help.

“Cullen, I’ll be fine. I’m not helpless.” She twirled a dagger in her right hand and returned it to her harness. They stood inside the gate away from the others as the final preparations took place.

Cullen straightened the strap on her harness and smiled. “Indulge me. Allow me to pretend you need my protection, especially with this lot.”

Melyonen smiled and whispered. “I can think of other indulgences to share with you.”

He leaned closer. “Is that right? Then perhaps I should indulge you first.”

Her lips neared his, her sultry tone enough for him to hear. “Yes, me first.”

Varric coughed and coughed again. The two did not react to his repeated attempts to interrupt, locked in a kiss, until Sera whistled and clapped which prompted the others to join in. The noise pulled Cullen and Mel apart and the rosy bloom on her face brought a grin to Cullen’s face. “Another time, perhaps?”

She nodded silently and then found her voice. “Count on it, Commander.”

Varric rolled his eyes. “Would it be ok if we were on our way, Cullen? Wouldn’t want the plan to get all fouled up now would we?”

“You know what Varric?” Anders leaned on his staff. “You’re ruining a beautiful moment here; you’re witnessing something rare and precious and quite frankly being an ass. Who are you to decide if something should end so abruptly?”

Varric scoffed. “Says the man who glows blue before shit blows up.”

Cullen moved quickly into action. “Time to go; please keep this quiet, you’ll be met in Crestwood in the East Side Hills region. I’ve marked the location on your map. Maker watch over you.”

___________________________________

 When the party returned Cullen and Mel sat in the Rest laughing over the events in Crestwood.    

 “Cullen, I could not believe it! Not only was the whole meeting a setup but the arse biscuit had the balls to ask me to join forces with him?” Mel laughed so much she doubled over several times.

“Arse. Biscuit. Please, dear lady, tell me where you picked up that colorful phrase?” Cullen’s smile made her forget proper behavior.

She covered her face, the blush covering her cheeks as he looked at her. “Sera, I’m afraid. Between Sera and Hawke I learned quite a few, as you said, ‘colorful phrases’. “

He shook his head. “In what context? I thought the meeting was a setup, and you fought the mercenaries and that was the end of it.”

Mel twirled the mug in her hands and averted her eyes. She chose her words with care. “Not. . .entirely, but that’s the general report. The noble responsible was more than a little cheeky.”

Cullen’s smiled faded. “Go on.”

“No, there’s no need for concern. Sera and Hawke gave him a lesson in proper manners – a rather _aggressive_ lesson.“   Mel tried to lift his chin and smile. “Varric’s plan worked beautifully, Cullen.”

He threw his head back and laughed loud and full. “Varric’s plan? In all the years I have known him, not one time has a plan of Varric’s worked. We all just nod and smile.” 

Anders sat down across from them, pulled his tunic apart to bare his chest and in a phony gravelly voice mocked their leader. “I love it when a plan comes together.” Anders cleared his throat. “Then Cullen here cleans up the mess, I get to heal the injuries, Hawke gets to fix or pay for whatever she breaks and Varric goes off to write up the adventure to sell more books. It’s quite mad if you think about it.”

Mel stared into Cullen’s eyes. “I think it’s wonderful.”

Anders pushed away from the table. “I’ll leave you two alone. Cullen, Sera has another request, I told her to see you or the Inquisitor and let Varric alone. Just in case. I’m off now before the rounds pass around below.”

Mel watched Anders leave the Rest and wondered if the rumors were true. “He doesn’t seem like the ‘Howling Mad’ mage the rumors mention. He’s rather sweet.”

Cullen leaned back in his chair. “Anders? The Templar in me says for mage he’s all right. But that man saved my life several times. Sometimes there are dark things in man’s past, and I’m no different. Anders helped me and that is why I continue to help him and Hawke and even Varric. They know my burden and so I carry theirs.”

Melyonen placed her hand in his. “You could let me help you, too.”

Cullen laced his fingers through hers and she shivered at the sound of his husky voice. “I wouldn’t want to burden you, Inquisitor. “ 

She held his eyes in hers. “You’d be surprised at how much I’m willing to help.”

Varric fell into the chair in front of them. “Hey, family place here, you two, save that for later. Your Inquisitorialness, always a pleasure, Cullen we have work to do, so kiss-kiss say good night and shake your ass. Let’s go.” 

Melyonen swallowed a laugh. “Seems your chaperone has decided the hour is too late. I’ll see you soon, Cullen.”

Cullen watched as she walked down the stairs holding his gaze until she was out of his sight. “Varric. You’re pushing it.”

“Actually, Curly, by the look of it, you were almost this close to doing so yourself.” Varric laughed. “I must include that little exchange in the next serial.”

“No, Varric. What’s the problem that cannot wait until the morning?” Cullen asked.

Cullen accepted the letter from Varric’s hand.

_This guy is a special prick,_

_Swats his people around,_

_Thinks his sovereigns pay for it._

_Embarrass him at his own party_

_And you please a dozen people._

_People with keys and little else_

 

Varric leaned back in his chair. “She’s got a good ear, it’s not literature mind you, but it’s to the point.”

Cullen laughed and snorted. “You wouldn’t know literature if it jumped up and waved.”

Varric rolled his eyes. “Point here, Curly, can you make this happen? Use Ruffles to get an invitation; me, Sera, Blondie and Hawke.”  Varric stood, “Might as well add yourself and the Inquisitor. I’m sure the two of you will find ways to occupy your time.”

Josephine proved most helpful in securing invitations for the Inquisitor and her escort and for renowned author Varric Tethras. The others would travel and bring a handful of soldiers for one of Varric’s planned diversions.

Several mages hidden in the guest list courtesy of Cullen completed his plan: distraction and chaos. At midnight, Anders would use his whirlwind magic to extinguish the candles and flames in the ballroom. The other mages would follow suit and extinguish all light sources strategically. Hawke and Sera would lead a training demonstration in the courtyard with loud clanging and noises. That should be sufficient to make a point.

Varric, on the other hand, wasn’t satisfied because the party overlooked his idea. On the approach to the villa, Varric took control.  “Ok here are your code names. Just in case don’t use your regular name, got it?” Cullen shook his head at Varric overthinking the simple plan.

“Blondie, you my glowing friend, are to be known as ‘Murdock’, got that?” Anders stared at Cullen and widened his eyes. Melyonen watched the exchange and covered her grin with her gloved hand. Anders winked at her and shifted towards Hawke as Varric continued. “Hawke for this operation is to be known as ‘B.A’.”

Hawke pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. “Varric, I’m in no mood. Why ‘B.A’.?”

Varric patted her shoulder. “That should have been easy for you, my cranky friend.  “B” is for bad and “A” is for attitude. One part of your sparkling personality that is so endearing to us all.”

Anders leaned towards Cullen and Mel. “I’ve got a silver she hits him before we arrive.” Melyonen’s strangled laugh caught Varric’s attention.

The grin on Varric’s face told Cullen he would not be spared from this insanity. “Curly, as previously discussed I have chosen the perfect name for you. . . ‘Faceman’. To keep this simple we’ll shorten it to ‘Face’. “

Melyonen stared at Varric wondering the meaning behind his choice. Varric read the confusion on her face and explained. “Curly here is often a favorite of the female of the species. Several species, in fact.” Cullen grabbed the back of his neck with his right hand.

Hawke sighed as she spoke. “Varric, stop. You’re embarrassing Cullen in front of the Inquisitor – he’s doing the neck thing.” The Inquisitor glanced at Hawke before turning back to Cullen. Even in the waning light of the evening she could see redness creeping up his neck. Hawke continued. “Cullen . . .he rubs his neck when nervous or uncomfortable. It’s a tell. He can’t play cards for shit, either.”

The laughing inside the carriage by Sera and Varric stopped as the Inquisitor glared in their direction. Melyonen took Cullen’s hand. “Good to know.”

To say Sera was less than pleased at not receiving a new nickname was clear to Melyonen. “Sera, I like Buttercup, I think it suits you.”

Sera’s eyes widened. “You think so? Well, right then!”

Cullen tried to steer Varric back to the evening’s events. “Is everyone clear on their part for the evening?”

The carriage pulled up to the Villa and Varric pulled Cullen’s shoulder. “Trust me, I have everything perfectly planned.”

“Anyone else concerned about this ‘perfect planning’?” Cullen asked and one by one hands rose in the air.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Cullen found the whole affair a bore except for the time he spent with Melyonen contemplating the end of his time with Varric and the others. All seemed normal until the ornate clock in the ballroom chimed the midnight hour.

Hawke and Sera were supposed to direct the additional Inquisition soldiers in a demonstration outside the Villa and Anders and the other mages were to extinguish the lights. When neither of these events happened Cullen and Mel hurried through the guests to find Sera at the dessert table eating with Anders. Cullen moved into action and forced Sera outside to find Hawke and Anders to signal the other mages. Anders shared Varric’s modifications to Cullen’s plan which only angered him more. Cullen gave Anders strict instructions to begin as soon as he could hear the commotion in the courtyard.

Cullen hurried to the courtyard but pulled Melyonen with him to make it appear they were trying to find a private place. In the courtyard Hawke was standing around waiting with the soldiers and Sera. He joined her to demand to know the delay. “Hawke.” He hissed. “Midnight. Demonstration. Now. “

Hawke shrugged. “We couldn’t hear the chimes, Varric was supposed to let us know.”

Melyonen tried to intervene. “Count to ten and then be as loud as you can, Hawke. Sera, come with me, I have an idea that only you can do.”

“Inquisitor, wait. What are you doing?” Cullen asked.

She moved so close to him their noses touched. “Trust me Cullen.” She smiled and pulled him back into the villa until they found Anders. “Is everything ready Anders?” She asked.

He nodded. “As long as I keep Him under control, no problem Inquisitor.”

Melyonen smiled at him. “I believe even if you let him out tonight, you would do no harm. Count to ten and have at it.”

Anders nodded and moved into position while the Inquisitor approached Sera.

“Sera, this is what I want you to do.” The Inquisitor whispered into Sera’s ear and Cullen’s unease grew as Sera snickered and laughed.

When they finished, Sera leaned into Cullen. “She’s a real gem, Cullers. This’ll be a party they’ll _never_ forget.” Sera wandered off laughing.

“What happened to Varric?” Cullen wondered aloud.

“Cullen, it might be a good idea for us to get out of the line of fire.” No sooner had the last word fallen from her lips then the ballroom erupted in complete madness. Anders and the mages doused every torch, candle and fire pit prompting squeals and whimpers throughout the villa. The cacophony of shouts and steel against steel added several shouts for aid and guards until it all came crashing down. No one knew who had thrown the first pie, but within minutes sweets and edible bits of delicious decadence soared across the ballroom. Melyonen wrenched Cullen’s arm to pull him around a corner against a door. “Dammit it’s locked.”

She stepped back from Cullen and winked prompting a light laugh from him which quickly changed to embarrassment as she lifted her gown to reveal a garter holding several small tools. “It’s my leg, Cullen. I promise to be gentle.” Her hem dropped as the screams and shouts for help continued. Melyonen pushed her body against Cullen and wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Mel, this isn’t the time or place.” He felt her fingers brush his backside. “Did you just touch my bottom?”

She laughed. “I have to unlock this door and while it is a lovely bottom, I’m afraid yours rests right where I need my hands, unless you’d like to get covered in something from the dessert table.”

He leaned closer and whispered to her. “I could just stand aside, you know.”

Cullen heard the click of the lock as she straightened her dress. “And ruin a perfectly good grope, I think not, _Commander_.”

He shook his head and led her into the room, hand around her waist. “So Inquisitor, what happens now?” His voice, so enticing she shivered.

“The window, Cullen, that’s why I picked this room.” She hurried to the large glass windows overlooking the courtyard.

Cullen shook the lust from his head. “Wait! What? The window?”

Melyonen pointed at the show down below. Hawke was laughing as she sparred with each of the soldiers screaming orders while she fought. She turned to her let to see Cullen’s amusement at the scene below. “I love it when a plan comes together.”  They’d kissed before in Skyhold, but were often interrupted. Melyonen, fueled by the excitement of the evening did not wait for Cullen. She took several steps towards his backing him up against the wall. “Shall we see what other trouble we might get into while we wait?”

Cullen nodded and guided her towards him and leaned in and closed his eyes. The sharp slam of the door scared them apart. Varric stood in the door frame. “No time for love kids, we have to scram and fast.”

The aftermath of the pandemonium in the ballroom glistened on every surface. Had it been gore instead of sweets the laughter scattered about the guests would have been screams of panic and fear. Cullen picked up parts of conversations all pointing to the Friends of Red Jenny. He nodded as they exited the Villa. _Good. Somehow this worked._    Cullen had Melyonen’s quick thinking to thank for the evening. The food fight in Sera’s hands – a stroke of genius.

Cullen drove the horses with the rest of the party inside the carriage on the highway. He heard Varric calling to him from the window. “Hey Curly, we’ve got company. Divide and conquer!”

Cullen knew this tactic. They’d split up. Three horses, six of them. Hawke and Anders climbed around the side of the carriage and onto the lead and right horse.  Shock shook him as Melyonen climbed over his bench. “No, Mel wait, I’ll go.”

She smiled and deftly climbed onto the left horse. “Chivalry appreciated Commander, but there isn’t time!” She pointed behind them. He didn’t need to look. They’d been chased more time than Cullen could count; he knew what was coming for them.  Cullen released the reigns as all three riders released the horses from the lines. He pounded his fist on the carriage.

“Varric! Sera! Move it, Varric your left, Sera your right, hurry!” Cullen watched Hawke guide her mount to grab Sera on the right side and when she was seated Hawke pushed her horse to take off away from the carriage. At the same time Anders moved from the front position to the left side to grab Varric. All four of them away left Cullen and Melyonen. “Mel, can you ease the horse away and back towards me?” Cullen could hear the shouts behind him, he wasn’t sure if they were guards, Templars, Seekers or any other who might be looking for them.

Melyonen moved the horse away from the carriage. The horses lost, the carriage slowed considerably until a wheel hit a rock. The carriage bucked from side to side, throwing Cullen off balance. The Inquisitor screamed his name as he hung on to the top of the carriage, legs struggling to gain a hold. “Cullen hang on!” She turned her horse towards the oncoming men to pull alongside Cullen.

Cullen could see the encroaching forces. Imperial guards -they were in deep if caught. Cullen yelled to Mel to leave him. “Mel, just go!” He heard the hooves of a horse and felt a tug on his uniform.

“Not a chance, Cullen. This is as close as I can get, come on!” Cullen pulled up with all the strength he could to lift himself high enough. Mel offered her hand to him.

Cullen reached for her hand as she inched the galloping horse as close as she dared. He reached for her hand and was surprised at her strength as she hung on and pulled him towards her. He kneeled on the horse and tried to balance and slipped gripping her dress as he slid towards the underside of the horse and its hooves.

“Cullen!” Melyonen had one option. She would slow down and risk capture to save him. Despite his shouts to her, she slowed her horse enough to turn and help pull Cullen behind her but did not wait for him to fully seat. She felt her dress rip down the back and the horse sprinted away from their pursuers.

He watched the cart speed down a hill and into a large rock followed by the sound of splintering wood and an explosion. Cullen saw the fireball and the clouds of black smoke. Melyonen shouted back to Cullen “We forgot about the bombs; antivan fire and Sera’s bees!”

She felt his hands move around her waist and his breath on her ear. “Thank you for helping me. I must apologize.  Forgive me, I did not mean to tear your dress, I slipped.”

Melyonen laughed, her shy demeanor completely abandoned by the rush of adrenaline at their flight. “Another time, perhaps Commander?”

He laughed as the horse sped off towards the mountain pass. 

The party met at the base of the Frostbacks with Cullen’s camp a welcome sight for all especially Melyonen. She shivered in the cold and felt Cullen move behind her. “Here, slip your arms through.” Cullen helped her into his mantle and wrapped it around her.

The party changed clothes and gathered around the fire pit laughing as Hawke, Anders and Varric shared stories.

The laughter of the trio warmed Melyonen as much as the fire and Cullen’s arms around her. Varric stood up and flapped his arms. “Remember this, Blondie? Where was that . . .Tantervale wasn’t it?”

Even Cullen chuckled as the group howled with laughter. Hawke took up the story. “Anders was trying to get locked up, so he tried to act as strange as possible.” She laughed for a bit and continued. “He walked around the village square . . .Ha! Flapping his arms and cawing like a bird.”

Melyonen smiled. “Did it work?”

Anders shook his head. “No sadly, a small child offered me some bread, which was nice.” He grinned and leaned against Hawke. “Time to sleep, I think.”

She leaned back against Cullen and laughed. “Tell me something Cullen, infiltrating a party, sparring, rampant misuse of magic, food fights, a carriage chase _and_   an explosion – does all of it seem normal? Is this what it’s like for you?”

Cullen laughed, deep and full and pulled her closer to him. “Only on days that end in “Y”.   

 

**Author's Note:**

> The first paragraph is the intro from the A-Team tv show modified to fit the DA universe.


End file.
